The Paroles Of JK

As we approach valentine’s day, we are assailed once more with one of two attacks:

1) You are in a relationship. If you do not spend huge amounts of money, right now, then you are an unromantic soul and s/he will leave you. There is no question of that.

2) You are not in a relationship. You poor, sad, lonely fucker. Today is all about love, and who loves you? No-one. You pathetic lump of flab. Go crawl into a hole. Nobody wants you messing up today.

This is not normal. Surely. Why have we got only one day when we need to show affection? It’s nonsense. If you love someone tell them every day, or, even better, only tell them when you feel in love. You don’t feel in love all the time. It’s too tiring, for a start.

But when you do feel it, that irresistible, bubbling up feeling, then tell the person you love. Just tell them. It’s not hard. It’s three words, for heaven’s sake, you could manage that when you were five.

But for a really romantic Valentine’s day, be asked out. Or ask someone! Make it a surprise - there’s nothing more romantic than a surprise - and nothing as unsurprising as your other half. I declare that on that day you should be allowed to have an affair, to do something surprising, to be spontaneous and romantic. There can be no spontaneity when the date is set in advance by card companies.

And worst of all; the least romantic thing you could possibly do, is to propose marriage. You may be accepted. I understand that is the done thing. Then you will certainly be married, and there is no more spontaneity at all. There is no surprise about who you will chat to in a bar because it will be her, all the time. When you dress up, it’s for him, not for yourself.

To be engaged is to lose spontaneity and to be married is to be owned. Do neither; be single, love often, because it lasts no longer than rage or grief or any other emotion. But don’t do what everyone else does this Valentine’s Day. Do something surprising.